Six Ways Men Can Make Their Marriages Much Happier
Scott Haltzman, MD Brown University

Men often are told that to improve their marriages, they must share their hopes and fears with their wives and become more emotionally connected -- in short, that they must behave in ways that are totally unnatural for the average man.

Good news: There are steps men can take that will make their marriages happier but still let them be themselves...

1. Treat your wife like a business client. Many men say they don't know what's expected of them in romantic relationships -- yet the same men know what to do in business relationships.

The two aren't as different as you might think. If a client made you unhappy, you wouldn't fight with him/her. Instead, you would try to smooth things out. If this client made a crucial error, you would not criticize him -- you would try to help him recover. Overall, you would try to understand who your client is, what his goals are and how you can help him succeed. Treat your wife like this, and you won't go too far wrong. Of course, don't tell her you're treating her like a client. Just do it!

2. Forget the golden rule. "Do to others as you would have them do to you" isn't the best advice for married men. When we treat our wives as we would like to be treated, we ignore the fact that our wives are quite different from us.
Forget whatever you think you know about what makes people happy, and observe your wife for a while. What does she really appreciate? What are her deepest interests and goals? Have your past gifts and gestures of love been on target?
You might not have to work much harder to make your wife happier -- you might just have to stop doing things that you would appreciate if someone did them for you and start doing things she will appreciate.

Example: Buy her a greeting card when there's no special occasion, and inside write how much you love her and need her. Leave the card someplace she will stumble on it unexpectedly. Such a gesture would mean little to the average husband but lots to the average wife.

3. Do more than say "I'm sorry." A single "I'm sorry" won't balance the scales when you say something critical of your wife... dismiss her ideas or her feelings... or make her feel ignored. It will most likely take five positive interactions for every negative one before you're back to par. According to research by the Gottman Institute, a Seattle-based couples therapy organization, marriages tend to be happy when spouses -- wives as well as husbands -- interact with each other in a positive manner at least five times as often as they interact in a negative manner. Positive interactions might include paying her compliments, saying, "Thank you" or "I love you," offering to do something for her, holding her hand or paying attention to her.


4. Master the makeup. The happiness of your marriage is not determined by whether you fight -- all couples do. It's determined by how well you patch things up afterward. Wait until you cool down -- that typically takes about 20 minutes -- then make a peace offering. Bring her a cup of tea... say you're sorry you argued... or tell her that you love her. Such gestures generally help couples get past the fight fast and back to the happy marriage.

Helpful: Makeups are easier if you avoid the four mistakes that turn arguments into lingering problems -- criticizing, showing contempt, acting defensive and stonewalling (shutting down when your partner reaches out to you).

5. Seek your wife's opinion. Wives often feel that they don't have an equal voice in the decision-making. As far as most husbands are concerned, the issue isn't who is making the decisions, but whether the correct decisions are being made. Still, you can make your married life happier if you seek your wife's approval on your ideas, even when you believe you're right. Who knows? Maybe she is right. Don't dismiss her opinion out of hand -- even when it isn't feasible. Instead, say something positive about the idea, then later express disappointment if together you "discover" that it won't work.

Example:She wants to fly across the country to visit your daughter next month. You know the trip won't fit into your budget. Rather than tell her no and invite her anger, establish that you're on her side. Say something like, "I always love to see our daughter. Let's see if we can afford it." Together, review the family's finances, and let her make the decision that you can't afford to go -- or perhaps she'll think of a clever way so that you can afford it.

6. Do some cleaning. Most wives think their husbands should help more with housework. Many husbands think they do so much work around the yard and with the car that housework isn't their responsibility. Who's right?

Studies by University of Michigan Institute for Social Research show that husbands are. When work hours both inside and outside the home are added up, even husbands who don't help with the cleaning often put in about as many hours of effort as their wives.

Unfortunately, if you try to argue this point, you're sure to lose. You can either spend your life bickering about whether you get enough credit for your contributions -- working long hours at the office, tending the lawn and handling the car repairs -- or you can do some housework and have a happier marriage. To make your wife really happy, figure out which household task is her least favorite and do it without being asked.

__________________________________________________________________

Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Scott Haltzman, MD, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University, Providence.

He is a psychiatrist in private practice in Barrington, Rhode Island, and author of "Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever"

(Jossey-Bass). www.drscott.com

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The Manta
By V. Vernon Woolf, Ph.D.

It was one of those perfect days, when the sky and the water met in mixtures of blue and white and everything was alive. My three companions and I anchored our boat on the Maui side of Molokini, a small, horse shoe shaped island that toped an underwater crater in the Hawaiian chain. I was the first diver ready and I plunged over the side into the crystal clear wonderful world of tropical waters. As the bubbles cleared I saw three sharks ranging from 4 to 6 feet long. This is a rare sight in these peaceful waters, so I immediately swam after them. My companions splashy entrance sent the sharks on their way and undaunted, we began to swim leisurely across the bay.

Molokini, because of its natural beauty, has been set aside as a national park and the fish that swim there are protected in the basin of the old volcano. They wear every imaginable color and sport every imaginable shape. Needle fish are long silver tubules almost invisible against the white sand and the bright coral sun. Red Snappers and Yellow Snappers abound in little schools flitting in and out of hidden caves nestled in the coral. We glided through schools of Neon Tetras, Angel Fish, and Puffers who greeted us like little curious children. The underwater world is a completely different world from the bustling city. Here, with the sunlight rays dazzling us in ripples of color, I was wrapped in Nature's womb, safe and filled with awe. Peace and tranquility prevailed.

On the outer edge of the crater the bottom drops away. Peering down through the clear water, you can see into the deep, dark, blue of the ocean abyss. It raised my caution flags. After experiencing three small sharks, I wondered what other creatures might be lurking in the darkness below. Suddenly Gary, one of my underwater companions, pointed both hands toward the deepest darkest part of the bottomless black.

As I peered into the darkness, it took a few moments before I recognized an immense shape was moving toward us out of the depths.
Quickly calculating how long it would take us to swim to the land or to the boat, I realized there was no escape. This creature of the wild was big, very big and we were way too far from any safe retreat.

Black on top, the emerging shape showed a white underbelly and my fears were soon dissolved as it took on the shape of a large manta. It glided gracefully through the water, up toward us and over the ridge. As it began to circle the crater, my three companions swam after it, trying to get close enough to hitch a ride on its large wing-like fins. Realizing the manta was swimming too fast for us to catch, I chose a different approach. I decided to "become" the manta.

Closing my eyes and centering myself into a state of being at peace, and there, I relaxed, imaging myself as a manta. A thought flashed through my mind that, in some other world, I was a manta. Just for the fun of it, I took on that manta's state of being. In order to do this I have learned to first tune into my own Full Potential Self, the "I" that is the real me in hyperspacial reality, and align myself.

Like the blink of an eye, I was aligned, sensed it was OK, relaxed and slipped into the state of being a manta. I began to move my arms imagining I was gliding through the water. I had only moved my arms up and down two or three times when a wave of water washed over me. I opened my eyes to see what could be causing such a wave at a depth of 30 feet under the water. Right there, in front of me, not two feet away, was a mouth about three feet wide!

It was the manta! It startled me. My first thought was, "What does a manta eat?" Its mouth was large enough to swallow me whole. Then a voice, somewhere inside me said, "Are you all right?" It was clear as a bell. There was a pause and then the voice said, "Are you a manta?" Startled, I suddenly realized the manta was communicating with me.
"I am all right", I said in my thoughts, although the scientist in me was amazed I could speak in clear English to a manta that hung suspended in the water right in front of me and, clearly, it could understand me just as well. "I am not a manta", I continued, "but I wanted to experience your world".

It giggled! It actually giggled. It seemed genuinely pleased. Without any further communication we were suddenly flying through the water, down and over the ridge right into the deepest, darkest part of the ocean. It took me right into the heart of the thing I had feared the most only a few moments before--the unknown darkness of the abyss.

An all-consuming peace pervaded throughout my entire state of being. I was so immersed in the experience it was as though I had become embedded in oneness with life itself. I never knew such peace could exist. There was no fear, even in the darkest corners or depths of the ocean. I experienced a feeling of total harmony, one I never knew was possible. The manta was sharing with me more than just its physical world. It was sharing its state of well being.

Understanding enveloped everything. It was as though I had become everything at once within my own being or everything within my being had become one with the world. I swam, not only in the depths of the ocean, but in the depths of all-knowing, seeing through the eyes of the manta and understanding all that it saw. I was linked to its mind and immersed within its universal field of information, and reveled in being beyond the limits of time without losing my sense of time. To travel was effortless for there were no confines to distance or physical shape. I was present everywhere without losing my presence in the now. We traveled as if on waves of thought. I was totally alert to everything, yet confined by nothing.

After a while, it became a little monotonous just swimming in the bleak darkness, although I could clearly see the algae and other little sea creatures in the water, and I asked, "Can we get a little color into this?"

The next thing I knew, we were flying over corral reefs as beautiful as anything I had ever seen -- vivid colors, swarming fish of every imaginable shape and form, and bright sunlight streaming over everything. There was a sound, made of everything in motion, the combination of a thousand orchestras, playing in harmony with a million birds, and countless other life forms. A sound, more profound and beautifully engulfing than I had ever experienced. Everything, the water, the fish, the coral and the sand, was in harmonic motion. But it was deeper. It was as though the very molecules were dancing together. No matter where I focused, the picture became clearer, my realizations deeper and the music more ecstatic. I was so overcome with the ecstasy of this dance, I reveled even more in it, savored it and was smitten by my love for this dance of life I was experiencing.

This amazing realization continued for some time until I was becoming used to this panorama of ever changing beauty until, quite unexpectedly, we were flying among the stars. I could see galaxies, nova, all forms of planetary systems as though we could swim through time and space uninhibited from any restraint.

"How can you, a manta", I asked, "who are confined to the water in the ocean, swim among the stars?"
The manta scoffed as though to say, "Don't you know anything?" I began to realize that, with all my education and learning, with all my experience, my understanding of life was far more confined than that of the manta. I opened myself completely to more fully take in the experience.

Time stood still for me as we winged our way through a universe continually emerging into time and space and flowing back into a field of complexity that was so amazing, so beautiful, so alive and so pervasive that the realizations never left me. Life is a fantastic tapestry of multiple dimensions, so magnificent it defies description. We are all part of an indescribable dance - the dance of life.

During my entire journey with the manta, my scuba companions had watched my encounter with the manta as we hung suspended in the water facing each other. Amazed at the connection between me and the manta, Gary swam back, across the bay, climbed aboard the boat, dug his underwater camera out of his gear bag and swam back again. As he approached us, he was adjusting his camera when the camera made several loud clicks.

A wrenching sensation went through my stomach. Torn from my reverie, I realized I was back in the water again and I opened my eyes. I saw the manta turning its gaze back toward Gary. I followed its gaze as it went from Gary to each of the others. One diver (Tina, Gary's wife) was positioned at the end of one of its wings. Marlene, my (now past) wife, at the end of the other wing, me in the front, and Gary, swimming up behind making noises the manta had never experienced. It realized it was surrounded. I could sense its feelings of apprehension about these other "strange" humans and their clicking noises.

"I must go now," was all it said as it dove over the ridge and down into the depths again.
The manta left me with the vivid realization that the most vital part of the dance of life is that everything is connected and, through Presence, we can experience it all.

Dr. Woolf is Founder and Director of the International Academy of Holodynamics[1]. He is a member of the Academy of Natural Sciences of Russia where his scientific approach "Holodynamics" has been granted a special department in the Academy. His "Unfolding Potential" Seminars, which began in the United States, have now expanded world wide. Having taught seminars around the globe, he has just finished the book "The Dance of Life: Living in a Conscious Universe[2]" and six manuals that bring new clarity to the research done over the past four decades.
This page is online at:http://www.trans4mind.com/counterpoint/woolf.shtml

ARE YOU NEEDING A NEW STYLE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?


We all want to install new behaviors here and now, most when it hurts.

Those attitudes and behaviors, we imagine, will make our lives more satisfactory and fulfilled…..because they will bring us more acceptance, love and company. Right?

Well, YES!!! It is possible, but you have to be ready to bit the bullet and change! Wishful thinking will not do it. Too much work? Let’s see: if you are able to apply ONE change each time and see what happens…

What? No magic here? But you want your changes delivered fast and painless! Well, what about learning how to confront?

Sandpaper people frequently love a good fight and often mistake combat for confrontation. The two are not the same. Combat slowly corrodes and splinters the mutual link by oppression and humiliation, while confrontation is an art that, when done correctly, improves and strengthens relationships.

It is our responsibility, then, to bring confrontation into the picture when dealing with sandpaper people. There is a right way and a wrong way to confront. The success of any confrontation depends upon understanding the difference between the two.

• Always begin confrontation with affirmation. Encouraging words set the stage and prepare the heart to hear words of correction. Corrective words that fall on ears prepared by loving words are more likely to be heard and considered.

• Be willing to take your part of the blame. No conflict is ever totally one-sided. Taking your share of the blame often diffuses anger and steers the confrontation in the right direction.

• Express hurt...not hostility. It is important to keep emotions under control during confrontation. Volume negates listening. Raised voices and angry words slam the door shut on any possible good that can come from confrontation. Sandpaper people rarely realize the depth of the pain they inflict and may very well be surprised by what you are telling them. Express your feelings with words – not volume or accusation.

• Make clear, direct statements. When facing confrontation, I will often write down what I plan to say; then read it aloud and sometimes in front of the mirror. I can then go back and eliminate unnecessary comments, inflammatory words or vengeful statements disguised as correction.

In any confrontation, it is important to stick to the facts, refusing to become either hysterical or historical. Each confrontation is an entity unto itself and does not need to be lumped together with issues from the past.

• Avoid using the words "never" and "always" because they tend to stir up emotions and fan emotional fires. These words are obviously untrue and accomplish little in a confrontation, destroying any credibility of the person doing the confronting.

• Learn to listen. One of my favorite tactics in confrontations is to use the time the other person is speaking to formulate my next point. As a result, I don’t listen because I assume I already know what will be said. Difficult conversations require total attention. Listening validates people, inviting them into your life. Refusing to listen is arrogant.

• Be solution centered. It is so easy to go for the "let’s get this over" conversation instead of the "let’s get to the heart of this problem" discussion. Make the decision beforehand to stay at the table of confrontation until a solution is found and restoration is achieved.

We were created to live in harmony, and our own health and happiness calls us to wage peace in every relationship. Part of winning the battle is learning to confront aggresive people in the right way, with skills. Confrontation that is done in love changes lives, impacts relationships and preserves your happiness!

Positive Conflicts: Focusing the mind on the positive

Positive Conflicts: Focusing the mind on the positive

PROMISE YOURSELF

The following was first written by Christian D. Larson in 1912 and was adopted in a slightly altered form by the Optimist International organization as the “Optimist Creed.”

Larson was an influential New Thought leader and teacher. He was a prolific writer and an influence over the Religious Science leader and founder, Ernest Holmes. In honor of a great mind, here is the original version of “Promise Yourself.”

PROMISE YOURSELF by Christian D. Larson

· To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
· To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
· To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
· To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
· To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
· To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
· To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
· To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
· To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
· To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
· To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud work, but in great deeds.
· To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

Some of the greatest prosperity teachers and writers came from the era of the late 1800’s and the first half of the 1900’s. They all knew the Secret of the ages, which is what you think, you get. Florence Scovel Shinn’s books are some of my favorites and can be purchased on Amazon.com.

WHEN OUR PERSONAL GOALS ARE LOST, WE ARE LOST!



Sometime in your adult years, you finally get to the point in your life where you realize that you are deeply unhappy and for the life of you, cannot figure out why. The more you try to identify what is wrong with you, the more confused you get.

All looks in order: you have a good education, a nice job, some good friends, and the bills get paid…but in the personal field you see a litter trail of failed relationships. People enter your life, and for some reason or other, they leave. Then, you have this long weekend coming up, dream of going on a trip, or doing something funny with close friends and find a vacuum around you!

What is going on? You have tapped a well of loneliness inside you that you never knew was so deep! Now, you know that something is wrong, and doing things with your friends is never enough to compensate this feeling. Getting drunk doesn’t help either, because the morning after, you still remember… So, now, you allow yourself to realize you have some deep feelings, mainly negative feelings like loneliness, isolation, and rejection inside you?

All looks bleak, and nothing is exciting as before, kind of a revelation of your deep hurt inside. Some other days, you forget, have fun and enjoy what you have…only to feel dumped again into this negative hole…this is your personal, inevitable emotional roller coaster.

Is life supposed to be like this? Looking at the mirror, do you find yourself wishing for some change, whatever change it can be, so to move you away of this well of negativity?




Example A: I just know that I want to make some positive changes to my life. I am doing a job that does absolutely nothing for me. Unfortunately I really do not know what I would really like to do. I have tried to find what I love to do and sad to say I just do not know what that is. I seem to be at a standstill and don't know where to turn. But I do know that I need some support to even begin to make a start on changing, so that I feel that I am living in my life, because I don't feel that I am actually in it at the moment.

Example B: Everyday on my drive to work I think how great it would be to do something else, but what that is, I don't know...I don't even know at this point what would make me happy...I don't absolutely hate my job, but it does not fulfill me in any way, shape, or form...I think I should be doing something that is meaningful to both me and other people, having a job that would bring me joy and excitement would be an absolute gift. Maybe I should explore some things about myself as far as likes and dislikes, what am I good at, what were my dreams as a child or young adult…where do I begin? And what happened with my enthusiasm for life?


One day after so much thinking and pondering the answer to this dilemma, you finally decide to find the answer to "Why am I like this?"

Actually, you decide it, when you realize that even when you are so lucky as to have someone who listens to you sharing your sense of emptiness, you tend to lash out at those who only are actually trying to understand you. You show your need for connection by doing some caustic comment or verbal aggression, which leaves you even more unconnected...That’s a real eye opener!

So, now, what do you do? You don’t feel like going to a shrink, you don’t want a medical solution and pills will do as much as alcohol, right? What you feel that you need is to learn emotional self-management. You want a safe way of turning away from repressing and burying your emotions inside. Over all, you need to recover a sense of excitement with your own purpose in life!


Perhaps you want a life coach?

What is a life coach for? Let’s remember what a life coach can help you with:


identify the source of your negative feelings
connect with the childhood situation that generate those feelings
work on acceptance/ integration of the past story into your present
recognize what unhelpful behaviors are now generated by this story
learn new ways to connect with the people you love
stop automatic negative reactions and be always centered in your goals
better expression of deep emotions connected with relationships

Having a life coach will accelerate the process of recovering your inner sense of direction, focusing on your own goals and redirecting your life. Listen to this testimonial:

My goal was to simply feel comfortable in my own skin......on all levels. I wanted to be at peace with myself and for that peace to radiate from me. I wanted for people to feel good in my presence. I do believe that true happiness comes from within, with coaching I am now surer how to get there. I especially like how now I perceive people feeling good in my presence, and telling me that I’m an inspiration for them!. LISA HANN

Ask for the coaching FREE session offered at http://www.norafemenia.com, where there is skilled Life Coaching available for different personal areas in need of growth.
It is designed for women needing to transform their lives, or for any person needing to change imprisoning negative self-images.

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