ARE YOU NEEDING A NEW STYLE FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?


We all want to install new behaviors here and now, most when it hurts.

Those attitudes and behaviors, we imagine, will make our lives more satisfactory and fulfilled…..because they will bring us more acceptance, love and company. Right?

Well, YES!!! It is possible, but you have to be ready to bit the bullet and change! Wishful thinking will not do it. Too much work? Let’s see: if you are able to apply ONE change each time and see what happens…

What? No magic here? But you want your changes delivered fast and painless! Well, what about learning how to confront?

Sandpaper people frequently love a good fight and often mistake combat for confrontation. The two are not the same. Combat slowly corrodes and splinters the mutual link by oppression and humiliation, while confrontation is an art that, when done correctly, improves and strengthens relationships.

It is our responsibility, then, to bring confrontation into the picture when dealing with sandpaper people. There is a right way and a wrong way to confront. The success of any confrontation depends upon understanding the difference between the two.

• Always begin confrontation with affirmation. Encouraging words set the stage and prepare the heart to hear words of correction. Corrective words that fall on ears prepared by loving words are more likely to be heard and considered.

• Be willing to take your part of the blame. No conflict is ever totally one-sided. Taking your share of the blame often diffuses anger and steers the confrontation in the right direction.

• Express hurt...not hostility. It is important to keep emotions under control during confrontation. Volume negates listening. Raised voices and angry words slam the door shut on any possible good that can come from confrontation. Sandpaper people rarely realize the depth of the pain they inflict and may very well be surprised by what you are telling them. Express your feelings with words – not volume or accusation.

• Make clear, direct statements. When facing confrontation, I will often write down what I plan to say; then read it aloud and sometimes in front of the mirror. I can then go back and eliminate unnecessary comments, inflammatory words or vengeful statements disguised as correction.

In any confrontation, it is important to stick to the facts, refusing to become either hysterical or historical. Each confrontation is an entity unto itself and does not need to be lumped together with issues from the past.

• Avoid using the words "never" and "always" because they tend to stir up emotions and fan emotional fires. These words are obviously untrue and accomplish little in a confrontation, destroying any credibility of the person doing the confronting.

• Learn to listen. One of my favorite tactics in confrontations is to use the time the other person is speaking to formulate my next point. As a result, I don’t listen because I assume I already know what will be said. Difficult conversations require total attention. Listening validates people, inviting them into your life. Refusing to listen is arrogant.

• Be solution centered. It is so easy to go for the "let’s get this over" conversation instead of the "let’s get to the heart of this problem" discussion. Make the decision beforehand to stay at the table of confrontation until a solution is found and restoration is achieved.

We were created to live in harmony, and our own health and happiness calls us to wage peace in every relationship. Part of winning the battle is learning to confront aggresive people in the right way, with skills. Confrontation that is done in love changes lives, impacts relationships and preserves your happiness!